Now serving — Beverly Hills • Aspen • The Hamptons • Malibu • Santa Barbara • Tel Aviv (obviously)
Luxury Survival Contractors ™

In This World, Do You Feel Safe?

Israeli-engineered. Battle-tested. The same reinforced concrete spec that protects Tel Aviv’s finest — now available wherever your second home is. Because peace of mind shouldn’t depend on a postcode.

“Look at us, standing here so peaceful outside.
Wouldn’t it be nice to feel this way inside too?”

347 Units Installed
12” Reinforced Concrete
72hr Self-Sustaining
$0 Claims Filed *

Our Installations

Each taBunkers unit is custom-designed to complement your home’s aesthetic. Average ROI: 14% increase in property value. Survival has never looked this good — or appraised this well.

đŸ›ī¸ Most Popular

The Mamad Classic

Beverly Hills, CA

The original Israeli spec, reimagined for Rodeo Drive. 12-inch reinforced concrete walls, blast-rated steel door, HEPA filtration, Carrara marble interior finish. Seats 8 comfortably. Wine fridge included.

$285,000 installed
📐 180 sq ft đŸ›Ąī¸ NBC Rated 🍷 Wine Fridge 📡 Starlink
đŸĒŠ New

The Tehran Lounge

Bel Air, CA

Nuclear-reinforced concrete meets Persian elegance. Hand-knotted silk carpet, built-in hookah ventilation system, mosaic tile ceiling, gold-leaf accent walls. The ultimate status symbol. Doubles as a shisha room for entertaining. Your guests will never want to leave. Neither will you, if things go south.

$520,000 installed
📐 340 sq ft đŸ›Ąī¸ Nuclear Rated 💨 Hookah Ventilation ✨ Gold Leaf
đŸŽĒ Family Favourite

The Ball Pit

The Hamptons, NY

Because your children deserve to have fun while civilisation collapses. 40,000 BPA-free balls over blast-rated flooring. Padded walls (structural AND recreational). Slides into the ventilation shaft. Little ones won’t even know it’s a bunker until they’re old enough to need therapy anyway.

$195,000 installed
📐 220 sq ft đŸ›Ąī¸ Blast Rated 🔴 40K Balls 🛝 Slide
💃 After Dark

The Pole Position

Miami Beach, FL

Load-bearing stripper pole (rated to 12G blast force). LED mood lighting with “Apocalypse Amber” preset. Sound-dampened walls — nobody hears the missiles OR the music. Mirrored ceiling doubles as signal reflector. VIP booth seating for 6. Bottle service cart reinforced to NATO spec.

$410,000 installed
📐 280 sq ft đŸ›Ąī¸ NATO Spec 💃 12G Pole đŸĒž Mirror Ceiling
🧘 Wellness

The Sanctuary

Santa Barbara, CA

Infrared sauna behind a blast door. Himalayan salt wall (also absorbs radiation, probably). Sound bath speakers embedded in the concrete. Essential oil diffuser integrated into the HEPA system — lavender for relaxation, eucalyptus for fallout. Find your centre while the world loses its.

$350,000 installed
📐 260 sq ft đŸ›Ąī¸ NBC Rated 🧖 Infrared Sauna 🧂 Salt Wall
đŸ›ī¸ Govt. Contract

The Situation Room

Washington, D.C.

Already exists. We just upgraded it. Blast-rated document vault — perfect for files that need to survive a nuclear event but not a FOIA request. Epstein file storage add-on available (climate-controlled, access restricted to “nobody, ever”). Soundproofed, so bad ideas can be drafted without surviving contact with daylight. Seats 12. Each seat has a panic button. Nobody knows what the buttons do.

$2.4M taxpayer-funded
📐 600 sq ft đŸ›Ąī¸ Nuclear Rated 📁 File Vault 🔇 Soundproof
đŸšī¸ Budget

The Bedouin

Rahat, Negev

Open air. No walls. No ceiling. No concrete. No electricity. No running water. No state recognition. No planning permission. No Supreme Court sympathy. Seats 16,600 per unit (there is one unit). The siren is the same. Everything else is different.

$0 because there is nothing to sell
📐 0 sq ft đŸ›Ąī¸ Unrated 🙏 Prayer đŸœī¸ Open Sky
🧠 Founder Edition

The Dopamine Hole

San Jose, CA

You won’t want to leave. Even after the bombing stops. Standing desk with blast-dampened monitor arm. Starlink uplink for uninterrupted deployment during thermonuclear events. Wall of 200 lava lamps — not decorative, they generate the cryptographic entropy that secures your blog posts. Microdose fridge (temperature-controlled, EMP-shielded). Sensory deprivation pod doubles as a sleeping chamber when the all-clear takes longer than your Series B runway. The Wi-Fi password is “disruption.”

$620,000 installed (pre-IPO pricing)
📐 380 sq ft đŸ›Ąī¸ Nuclear Rated đŸĢ§ Lava Lamps (200) 🍄 Microdose Fridge
🚇 Sold Out

The Arsenalna

Kyiv, Ukraine

105.5 metres underground. Soviet-engineered, 1960. Seats the entire city. No appointment necessary. No income verification. No credit check. No ethnicity filter. Public infrastructure built by a totalitarian regime that, on this one specific point, outperformed every democracy that followed. Currently in use.

Free because it was built for everyone
📐 ∞ sq ft đŸ›Ąī¸ Nuclear Rated 🚉 Has Trains 🌍 Public

Add-Ons & Upgrades

Because the base model only saves your life. These save your lifestyle.

💃

The Pole

Load-bearing, blast-rated to 12G. Chrome or gold finish. Ceiling mount reinforced to NATO standard.

+$18,000
🔴

Ball Pit Conversion

40,000 BPA-free balls. Anti-static coating. Blast-absorbing foam underlayer. Ages 2–99.

+$12,000
💨

Hookah Ventilation

Dedicated exhaust line separate from NBC filtration. Charcoal-safe surfaces. Fits any traditional or modern hookah.

+$8,500
🍷

Wine Wall

Climate-controlled, vibration-dampened, pneumatic shock absorbers. Holds 200 bottles. Not a single one breaks.

+$24,000
đŸŽŦ

Cinema Package

85” OLED, Dolby Atmos, leather recliners. Pre-loaded with 10,000 hours of content. Enough to outlast most geopolitical events.

+$35,000
🐕

Pet Suite

Reinforced pet door. Sound-dampened kennel (dogs hate sirens). 30-day premium kibble supply. Emotional support animal not included.

+$6,000
📡

Starlink Terminal

Blast-shielded satellite uplink. Stay connected while everything disconnects. Tweet from the bunker. Post the vibe.

+$4,500
🙏

The Bedouin Package

Nothing. Literally nothing. But we’ll send you our thoughts. Available to 80,000 residents of Rahat at no charge, because there is no charge for what does not exist.

$0

What Our Clients Say

“We had the Tehran Lounge installed last spring. My husband uses it as a hookah room on weekends. We haven’t needed it for survival yet, but honestly? Best entertaining space in the house. The neighbours are jealous. That’s its own kind of security.”

— Shirin K., Bel Air

“I grew up in Tel Aviv. We had a mamad in every apartment. It was just … normal. When I moved to Malibu, I couldn’t believe nobody had safe rooms. These people have $15 million houses and their earthquake plan is ‘stand in a doorframe.’ taBunkers gets it.”

— Avi R., Malibu

“The kids think it’s a playroom. The ball pit was genius. My wife thinks it’s a meditation space — she does yoga in there every morning. I know what it actually is. And that’s enough.”

— James M., The Hamptons

“We fled Kyiv in 2022. In Ukraine, everyone had the metro. Here, my apartment has nothing. My landlord said ‘the building is old.’ When the sirens went off in October, I stood in the stairwell and thought: the Soviet Union cared more about my survival than this.”

— Kateryna V., South Tel Aviv   [not a taBunkers customer]

“I don’t have a testimonial. I don’t have a bunker. I don’t have a mamad. I don’t have electricity or running water. My village has 4,000 people and zero shelters. The Supreme Court says that’s my problem. I am an Israeli citizen.”

— Ibrahim A., Unrecognised Village, Negev   [not a taBunkers customer]

“Honestly? It’s the best thing we’ve bought since the house. Better than the pool. Better than the Tesla. You can’t put a price on knowing your family is safe. Well, you can. It’s $285,000. But still.”

— David & Rachel P., Beverly Hills

A Note on Availability

taBunkers is proud to offer our full product line to discerning homeowners in Beverly Hills, Malibu, Santa Barbara, Aspen, the Hamptons, Miami Beach, Scottsdale, Greenwich, and select international locations.

We do not currently serve Rahat (pop. 80,000, 1 public shelter), Arab communities along Highway 85 in the Galilee (1 shelter per 26,000 residents), unrecognised Bedouin villages in the Negev (0 shelters, 0 infrastructure), or South Tel Aviv rental properties housing Ukrainian refugees on tourist visas. This is not because these communities do not need our product. It is because they cannot afford it. And the state has ruled that this is their problem, not its.

We understand that this is the same structure that created our market. If everyone had a shelter, nobody would need to buy one. Our business model depends on the inequality we occasionally reference in our marketing. We are aware of the irony. The irony does not reduce our margins.

For clients in Tel Aviv, Herzliya, and Ra’anana: you already know what a mamad is. You grew up with one. You understand that survival infrastructure is not a luxury — it is a baseline. The fact that you are now buying a second, nicer one for your house in California while your former neighbours in the periphery still don’t have a first one is … well, it’s the market.

Schedule Your Consultation

Every taBunkers unit is custom-designed. Tell us about your home, your family, your threat assessment, and your interior preferences.

Book a Viewing
taBunkers.com is a satirical page. No bunkers are for sale. The shelter disparity statistics cited on this page are real: 1 shelter per 26,000 residents in Arab communities vs. 1 per 440 in adjacent Jewish communities (Galilee, Highway 85); 50% of non-Jewish Israelis lack shelter access; 56% of Israeli homes have no mamad; the Israeli Supreme Court ruled in 2024 that the state is not obligated to build public shelters. The Kyiv Metro was planned in 1944 and Arsenalna station sits 105.5m underground. The only thing fictional on this page is the idea that survival should be a luxury product. In much of the world, it already is.